there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
