Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
