How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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