I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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