Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
