I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
