when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
