I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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