just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
