It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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