Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
