FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
