Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
