Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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