My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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