I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
