I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
