a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
