I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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