things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
