I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
