he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
