i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
