My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
