Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
why is half of my head shaved?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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