Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
