Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
