Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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