My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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