New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
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