You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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