I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
