Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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