I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
