...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i love accidental penises.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
