I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
