It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
