Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
