I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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