i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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