do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
pray to the hookup gods
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
