One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
