Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
