fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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