my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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