Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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