I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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