You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
