Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
