I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
