Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
